Aliens Always Do Anal

Aliens Always
Do Anal

Sorry Ripley, but that's what I heard. Those damn
Anal Aliens...

by Robert Hughey (Google+)

You know, I loved the Aliens Movies like no other horror / science-fiction hybrid series ever. I don't know if it's Sigourney Weaver's statuesque beauty or the fact that I was never in doubt about the fact that she could definitely kick my ass if she wanted. Hell, it was probably the scene where she had the flamethrower in the second movie. That "Get away from her, you bitch," was probably the impetus to force my prepubescent balls to kick their litle factories to the "on" switch and start cooking up some swimmers.

Ah, but I'm not here to talk about balls. I believe the subject at hand was nearby, to the back a bit.

Do Aliens Prefer Astroglide?

I've had that on my mind all day. NO, not the silly question above, I mean I have had the Alien movies on my mind all day. Why? ecause you see, I'm currently stuck in bed, laying on my stomach, praying for my death to come soon. You see, I'm dealing with some of the worst hemorrhoids of my entire life. I've been prone to them the past year, and they keep getting worse, and all I have to look forward to is that I will be having Ass Surgery in the near future.

Ass Surgery!

When I was a kid, my friends and I would practice being Doctors with each other, and I thought I was so funny when I quipped something like, "Julie, I'm sorry to have to tell you this my dear, perhaps you should sit down. Wait! Don't sit down! I don't know how to say this, but Julie, you have Ass Cancer."

Yes, Ass Cancer!

And then we'd bust out laughing completely oblivious to the amazing sense of humor the Universe has about things. Karma is so very real. And here I am, stuck on the bed writing in a most uncomfortable position.

Oh, and damn am I whiney. I haven't said words out loud in days that weren't some sort of complaint.

It's miserable AND pathetic. Yuck.

Well, at least I don't have Ass Cancer.

Buy: Alien Quadrilogy!

Rawr! I eat yo' butt! (cr: Alfred Hermida)

So what does this have to do with the Alien movies?

Isn't it obvious?

Those creepy, carnivorous creatures were born by a larvae impregnating a host's stomach, where the beast would mature rapidly before ripping its way from the host in a most horrible way that is honestly incredibly satisfying to the fans of the horror genre.

I don't have better words other than, "it's bloody awesome, mate."

So while I'm laying here unable to really do much except pray that I won't doze off and fart in my sleep - which is a sincerely painful experience. It's just a little air,and to me it feels like Ripley's Flame Thrower.

But while I lay here I thought about those movies and how incredibly different they would be if instead of being an Upper Gastrointesytinal parasite, what if the Aliens had been Lower G.I. parasites?

Of course the "birthing" scenes might be a bit too graphic for normal movie audiences. Perhaps a special NC-17 Rating for the Alien Anal Assault? I wonder if that's the name of an adult movie. My guess: probably a whole series of them. They're probably awful.

You know what else is freakin' awful?

Hemeroids. Seriously. They're a real fucking pain in the ass.

Get it? Pain in the Ass? It's funny because of all the pain I'm in as I'm laying her writing this. Get it? It's brilliant comedy. Well, it is if I say it is, right?

Don't mess with me. For all you know, I'm hosting an alien army up there! Any minute now they'll burst free of their dark and dank prison, and it'll be time for the next Alien Sequel to start:

ALIENS: From Robert's Anus to a Alien Armada.

I guess I won't get to see that one.

But at least my butt would stop hurting.

1 comments

Robert Hughey Post author • February 10, 2013 at 2:12 AM

I realize that this blog post is pulling in some traffic from the search engine, and as much as I would like to know why in the world so many people search for "Anal Aliens" every month... I'll skip that for now. Instead, I'll offer a quick update: I had surgery about a month and a half ago. It wasn't hemmeroid surgery, no matter what I thought was the matter with me, but it was colorectal in nature. So don't you doubt it: it still sucked ass.
Literally.
But I'm recovering nicely; in fact, I'm interviewing for a new position tomorrow, and I hope that it goes very well. Thanks for reading this blog, and if you're still inclined to want to see what else I've enjoyed writing, you're welcome to check out some of my articles over on Robert Hughey-Hudson, LLC or my rather simple Portfolio of Writing Blogger blog.

Reply •

Aliens Always Do Anal