Comedy Blog: Dear Old Lady, Attention Doesn't Mean Attraction

Pulled My Libido Out of the Hat. It was with the Rabbit.
If I'm lucky, they'll Skin Both.

by Robert Hughey


"Oh Great GOD's Merciful Aunt Myrtle Up in Heaven, at least if she's dead as I don't quite remember, but anyway hey GOD, please HELP me - by killing me right this second! Just go ahead and strike me down, knock me out... just go ahead and  take me out if you love me! Just hurry and do it before they read any further of my shame!"


...

Maybe it's the big sweeping Round Golden Bosoms of the Logo?

You Lovin' It?

I just had a conversation with Mathusalah's old great aunt. Well, or rather I was chatting with the oldest lady in my community. We were discussing lunch, and I was reading some really... inspired... text messages from a very hot, good (and oh so very talented) friend of mine.

(ahem)

So without paying full attention to the woman who helped design the Great Pyramids, I was trying to see if my neighbor would be open to me getting her some fast food or some groceries, as a few of us on our floor keep an eye on her as needed. I mean, she's like 16 million years old.

So I meant to ask her if she was HUNGRY. Specifically, as she was arriving home after attending a church service, so I was going to go get us some Fast Food, if she was game.

But I didn't ask her if she was HUNGRY.

Instead, I said, "What time do you usually get horny on Sundays?" 



I said this to a woman so old that if you flush the toilet in front of her, she's say, "oh you kids and your new-fangled inventions." You could hand her a rock and she's smile and say, "isn't technology grand?"

But it doesn't matter what technology is - because I asked a woman four times my age what time her motor starts running on the weekends.

Yes. I really did.  And I was just reading my sexy texts... um, I mean, my friendly messages from that...talented... friend. 

So how do I know I misspoke, you might want to know?

Well, simple really: when I looked up and restated my original question to my neighbor, who was just staring at me with the weirdest "cat ate the canary smile." So I looked up and said,
"Hey, I'm usually ready for a burger or something after church time, but who am I kidding? I'm horny ALL the time for McDonalds Fries. I could eat there far...more... than I...."

And the warm feeling of dread passed from the top of my head down to my face.

"What the hell did I just say?!"

Then this 70 year-old spitfire who lives across the hall from me told me that I had just confessed to being far more sexually interested in McDonald's Fast Food and Fries than is probably healthy for the average American male.

She then made matters worse by loudly stating that
"Maybe it's the shape of the individual fry that affects your libido."

Attention Doesn't Mean Attraction

And as sort of scooted back here to my condo, and she giggled her way back to hers, she said, "oh, to answer your original question: I like it Before or After church is fine for me too. It's just more of a chore to refix my hair if it's before the church service. Now that I think about it, you know what my absolute favorite is?"

"What?"

"Both before AND after. Oh, definitely both if there's time."

(oh wow. I might as well just join a monastery now. I am so grossed out)


Ew.
EWwwwwww.
EWWWWWW