Super Science Space Tech Laugh, Go!

A Comedic Blog written by a mostly sane Comedy Writer.

Written by self-proclaimed comedic genius Robert Hughey, "The First Rule of the Internet" feature article and eBook is the perfect example illustrating the sad fact that Robert is very confused over what the word "genius" actually means.

Proudly Presents...

Run Mr. Whiskers! They're coming for YOU!!!

The First Rule of the Internet

by Robert Hughey (Google+)

Also available for download is the eBook Copy of this Feauture.

The Following is the Web Copy of The First Rule of the Internet

The Furry Feline Foundation of the Internet

I once read that the Internet only survives because of the constant steady posting of Cat Photos. Yes, cats! It's from some old legend about the Internet's roots, but supposedly it is the pics of kitties that are the very Foundation on which the Internet actually sits on, and if the influx of Cat Photos, Animated Cat Gifs, Kitten Videos and the odd "ZOMG KITTEH PHOTO!!!" were to slow down too far or (Longcat Help Us) actually cease all together...

....well, the ramifications would be disastrous. 

The Internet itself would collapse. 

All eCommerce would grind to a halt. Amazon and eBay would be ghost towns rather than the thriving cornerstones of the internet that they are today. How would I continue to grow my collection of Star Wars Chotchkies or sell my lightly-used bedazzled love-seat SLIP COVERS?! AH! THE HORROR!

So on one hand, I want to do my part to ensure the Interwebs continue to exist:

I want to eat your soul

And on the other hand, thinking about the Cat-Photo Foundation of the Internet reminds me of something very important I should share with you. I don't know for a fact that it will directly affect anyone reading this, but then again: I could very well save your life with this information.

Rule #1 is a very old Internet Law

Yes, I am very "special" at Photoshop. U Jelly?

Aw, which do you feel more sorry for, Brian or Mittens?

What's interesting about this commercial is the response Exede Internet received after airing it. Now, hopefully everyone reading this realizes that Brian is not an actual extraterrestrial alien, right?  He's the product of some rather well-executed computer animation, but he's not an actual flesh-and-blood alien creature. Right?

So if there was no actual alien, then that would mean there was nothing there to actually eat a cat, right? Alas, even with logic on its side, Exede Internet still faced some issues, as the Internet got wind of a possible violation of Rule #1.

Meet Crazy Cat Lady #1

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For their part, Exede Satellite Internet responded far more politely than I would have ever been capable of, if you can believe I could ever be less than charming.

So from her rant, what's the most disturbing and worrisome part of Crazy Cat Lady#1's response? Perhaps it's her apparent belief that Brian the Animated Alien is, in fact, an actual living creature? Or maybe it's her leap of logic that kids will... oh wait, "kids" will watch the commercial and then feed a nearby cat to a snake. (What exactly do the quotation marks represent I wonder.)

Well, that makes just as much as sense as worrying about the diet of a cartoon alien. ...or any cartoon, for that matter.

Alien Baby Version of SSSTLG.com Logo ...yeah, I know it's pretty cool. You can email me and brag about it or crticize it if you want.

No, clearly the most disturbing part of Crazy Cat Lady #1's response is her threat that she's spreading the word to ALL her "cat channel friends." Clearly this is the First Response of the Internet's Immune System, as perhaps Crazy Cat Lady #1 is simply a chubby antibody latching on to a potential violation of the First Rule of the Internet, and now she'll inform the rest of her Army to destroy the violators!

Elsewhere, deep in the bowels of the Intertubes:

I have no proof that this is the same Crazy Cat Lady, but they all tend to look the same to me.

With this post that was emailed to me, I think that I may have discovered the famous cat channel that Crazy Cat Lady #1 mentioned! It must be the very heart of the internet! 

Well, this is the part where I could continue giving you the blow-by-blow (insert juvenile giggling here) of the rants of the Crazy Cat Ladies, or I could just cut to the chase on the matter and summarize my observations.

I was going to go with option two, but if you're really dying to hear every single detail..

Oh... nope. You got lucky. I just can't bear to have to crop and paste any more quotes from PETA-wannabes. The stench of unwashed hippie is wafting through the air already here at my house, while my neighbor enjoys a "wake and bake" session, but I wouldn't want to add to that stench by further quotes from Cat Lady Hippies. To catch up: the comment thread above goes about like you'd expect. Apparently, it is just a web forum beneath some super-sized financial website and the response to this particular rant on their forum was quite lackluster. Those that did respond to it were pretty much supportive for the alien and Exede Satellite Internet, and they found the Crazy Cat Ladies to be, well, unappealing.

I just want to point out that obviously the problem here is that a Cardinal Rule was broken:you should never work with Aliens from another Planet! They aren't trust worthy. That's why they're going to build a wall between America and Outer Space, you know. Oh, haven't you heard? Obama signed it into law about seven months ago or so; it was on all the News sites. Why would we build such, you ask? Well, to keep out the aliens of course. Yes, it's true! I wouldn't lie to you, would I? Right. You heard it on the Internet, so you know it's true. Go tell someone else that amazing news, but don't mention me as your source - gotta protect my anonymity. You can claim all the credit for that bit of knowledge all by yourself...

In response to the growing concern among the various overly cat-centric and cat-enthusiast web groups, all of which were of course merely concerned over the potential violation of Rule Number One,
Exede Satellite Internet issued a public statement that honestly still has me laughing a bit and rolling my eyes. 

Read Exede's full statement here:

The kitten's alright - really!

Ultimately, this is kind of silly that they even had to issue such a statement, right? I mean, this is all in reference to a cartoon alien, as in fictional in every way possible kind of alien. Brian only lives in your screen, not in Real Life where he could actually eat a kitten. Regardless of what Crazy Cat Lady #1 may have thought, there really wasn't any kind of violation of the First Rule of the Internet here. 

If there had actually been any harm to befall little Mittens, the Real Life and the online response would have been far worse than merely the growly grumbles of a small collective of Cat Ladies all looking for a reason to growl at somebody. 

And that is, of course, indicative of the high amount of frustration one must feel when the only man willing to rub up against you for the past ten years answers to the name "Mr. Whiskers."

Brian's Response:

...oh, Brian...